I Am Maysilee Donner
by VividlyVisceral
Summary: "We are one, but many". The truth of Maysilee Donner and her sister. Written for the Starvation monthly prompt "Envy".


**A Vivid Note: **this was easily done, and it has probably been thought of before. Written from the Starvation prompt '_Envy_', and is my first attempt at using prompts with the Hunger Games.

Kiss-Kiss,  
Vivid.

**I am Maysilee Donner.**

When twins are born it is like they have been given a sign from birth that they are meant to live their lives twice as well as a baby who is born alone. After all, if they didn't- what was the point of being them born twins?

My sister and I both believed that life had something important in store for the two of us- but not as individuals; us two halves- but as _one_ whole being. It's hard to explain to someone else that belief, which is why we never talked of it with anyone else, but it was a real, almost tangible thing. Like the star that Christ was born under.

Maysilee and Mayleine Donner were born under a similar star of fate.

In District 12 twins were something of a rarity- an amusement. They so rarely survive their fateful birth after all. Peacekeepers would taunt and sneer that they would one day have to brand us with numbers simply to be able to tell us apart. Maysilee would cry at the thought have having a number seared into her flesh, and it was always up to Mayleine to cheer her up. No one else could rescue Maysilee from her nightmares but her other half, after all.

Occasionally the two would play simple mindless pranks on their Mother and Father. A simple "Good morning Maysilee." Would be answered with an annoyed "I'm not Maysilee- I'm Mayleine!" or visa versa – and when their parents' backs were turned we would swap a grin; just as we swapped identities.  
It was a game that only _we _could play. No one else. It was a game for sisters, the one thing they could use to rebel against their parents, their teachers, their classmates- the Capitol.

Only our game to play. And the more we began to play it, the closer we began to grow and overlap... until neither Maysilee nor Mayleine were recognisable to one another. We were one. One but many.

But above our heads... our special star of fate that had given us our special game was going to take it all away. Both Maysilee and Mayleine Donner. With a new game not our own.

_"Maysilee Donner_._"_

I vaguely remember the day, and the woman's voice as she called out our name. I was the one who walked forwards, as deep down inside- I could remember the way to discern who I was based solely on how desperately my eyes wished to cry.  
Maysilee was the one who cried over the idea of hot pokers burning her flesh. Mayleine would not cry at a time like this. So I was Maysilee, and it was I who walked up those stairs.

When I looked out however, I saw my sister- 'Mayleine'. Seeing her tear stained face holding onto the Seam girl Everdeen's hand shocked me. Mayleine shouldn't be crying at a time like this. My twin would grit her teeth and tremble, not cry. _'Then why are we both crying?'_ I thought desperately as more tributes were called onto the stage. '_Could I have made a mistake? Is she Maysilee?_'

Fear gripped me, but also relief. At least my sister would be safe from this Quell. It didn't matter if 'Maysilee Donner' disappeared from the world, as long as Mayleine was there to remember her.

...

But I had forgotten my sister; her strength. I underestimated her will to defy fate.

In the hidden walls of the Justice Building, without exchanging words- only a glance- we switched clothes.

I didn't ask why. There was no point. In the fleeting moment where all our clothes lay on the elegant design of the velvet lounge- we could tell exactly what the other was thinking. The light that reflected off Mayleine was the same glow that shimmered off me.  
We were one and the same. Maysilee and Mayleine. It didn't matter which of us went, and Mayleine was determined for it to be her; to become Maysilee Donner.

She dressed in silence, and handed me her precious Mockingjay pin, the one she was given when I was given a flower brooch. Quietly, she murmured-

_"Now, you give it back to me. Mayleine would give Maysilee something as a token._"

I knew. That's exactly what Mayleine would do. So I handed her the pin, arms shaking. The body of Mayleine was harder to handle. After all, she didn't cry. She was strong- and Maysilee was the one who was weak. I could no longer be weak.  
That was Maysilee's privilege. I was Mayleine now.

As I gave her the pin, she gave me a gentle kiss to the forehead and whispered-

"_Don't worry. I'm always here with you._"

Until the warmth kiss faded in the outside air, I almost believed what she had said.

...

Becoming Mayleine was hard. My body couldn't handle her strength while I watched Maysilee fight for her life. Our parents sobbed and wept for Maysilee- even while she lived. For a brief moment there was hope that she would live, but when a flock of birds skewered her- the same creature that she... I... Mayleine... loved so much... all that hope was gone.

When he came home- Haymitch Abernathy- I didn't know what to say. When he unfurled his hand and the dirty pin I had handed my sister gleamed under the dim streetlight- I barely had the will to take it.

_"Please take it._" His voice was stern, but his eyes were filled with desperation. _"She wanted you to take it back Mayleine. Take it back._"

But Maysilee didn't want to take it back. The moment my hands would touch its surface- the truth would sink in. Mayleine would re-enter my body- and I would begin to cry. If I showed that weakness, surely someone would realise what we had done. What I had done. That Maysilee hadn't truly died in that arena.

Like I was supposed to have done.

_"Please... just go... just go..."_

As the words choked themselves out of my throat- frantic not to weep- the victor Haymitch Abernathy scrunched up his face and dropped the pin in the snow. I only managed to catch a small glimpse of the wetness in his eyes before he ran for his life, never to step upon the doorstep of Mayleine Donner again, for the misguided guilt of not saving her sister that would fester inside him, always.

...

I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't tell anyone. Because of my sin of allowing my sister to bear our death- a death she was never to have suffered- this was my punishment. To live in the agony of wondering what life would've been like had I not let Mayleine- Maysilee- struggle against fate.

...

...I... sometimes wonder... which one I really am... sometimes I think that perhaps we began our game very early... and that she was the one _meant _to go... but I never really believe it...

Eventually I believed the Peacekeepers were right. We should've burned something into our skin- our soul- to stop us from becoming one- to stop us from fulfilling life's promise to us as twins. There'd be no regrets had I not have cried and protested. There'd be no jealousy over the peace that only she could achieve in death.

...

The life I lead as her- Mayleine... Maysilee... is a lie- and that lie is slowly destroying my body. Nothing can save me from the guilt that rots away my insides. Not the love of a wealthy man, or the birth of a beautiful daughter, or all the money and morphling that District 12 can offer me.

That pin lies untouched beside my bed. It is the first thing I see when I awake, and the last thing I see when I drift into nothingness. My daughter, with her almost knowing blue eyes and blonde hair that tortures me of my sister, likes to look at it as well. She runs her fingers over its curves and rubs her thumb along the bird- unaware of how much I yearn to be able to touch it so freely.

_"...would you... like to have it... Madge?"_

_ "...Mother...?"_

_ "Please... take it... she'd have wanted you to... she... she'd want you to have it."_

Now the bedside table is empty. There is nothing to remind me of my other half, forever lost. If I close my eyes, I can pretend that I always have been Mayleine, and always will be. There is no proof that I am not, nor will there ever be...

...except the guilt... only the guilt that refuses to leave me... because I know the truth... and it'll never leave me. As much as I wist after it, it'll never leave me.

Because Maysilee and Mayleine had succeeded in becoming one.

But this body cannot hold them both.

...

Because our Game... doesn't have any winner... there was only ever one option... and that was who would lose first... and therefore win...

...I am the loser... and Mayleine... yes... Mayleine was the victor. Only Maysilee lost... and I am the loser... I am... I am...

...I'm... I'm so tired... it hurts... everything... aches... I can't... can't keep playing...

And in the night of this home that doesn't belong to me... I whisper... just loud enough for the two of us to hear...

"I am... Maysilee Donner..."

...

**End.**


End file.
